Making Manchester even more magnificent

Here is my Manchester Manifesto, contained in my latest poster (see below). Forget the left, the right or the centre, if we followed this path, everything in the world (well, south of Preston and north of Macclesfield) would be just dandy. So stick that in your London-centric pipes, Corbyn and May, and smoke it. The Manchester Manifesto is on sale, along with my newly-adapted Mancunian Way birthday card (also below), at Altrincham Market on Friday, Saturday and Sunday over Easter, and at Knutsford Market on Sunday. See you there.

EDUCATION, EDUCATION, EDUCATION
Birmingham, England’s second city? You’ve got to be joking.

SCRAP HS2!
Half an hour off the train journey  to London – who cares?

ZERO TOLERANCE!
Of lazy London-centric media folk who use ‘grim’ or ‘oop’ whenever they refer to the north.

LET US EAT CAKE!
Eccles or Chorley ones, please.

CROWN A MANC MONARCH!
It’s either King Colin of Bell or King Eric of Cantona.

ALL STAND FOR THE MANC ANTHEM!
Station Approach by Elbow, an ode to Piccadilly, the gateway to the best city in the world.

BUILD A WALL!
Those Yorkshire folk have got to be stopped migrating over the Pennines to civilisation somehow.

BETTER DEAD THAN RED!
No child shall be encouraged to support Liverpool. Ever! Same goes for Leeds United and Chelsea.

A NEW BANK HOLIDAY!
In honour of Tony Wilson, our late spiritual leader.

SELF-RULE FOR CHORLTON
Recognise the right of the trendy enclave to operate entirely according to its own liberal, yoghurt-knitting, vegan agenda. Build its new parliament as an extension to the Unicorn co-operative vegan superstore.

STRONG AND STABLE
Old Toms all round, on prescription! The beer, one of Greater Manchester’s strongest and produced by Robinsons Brewery, is laughing juice and after two you’re barely stable. So lovely though.

RISE UP, MANCUNIANS AND PARTY!
Nothing new there, but let’s not do any more of that 24-hour stuff.

GIVE PEACE A CHANCE!
Let’s call a truce with our nice Scouse neighbours over in Liverpool. Don’t like that idea? Well just calm down, calm down.

There's the left, the right or the centre. Then there's bang on!

Happy birthday, Mancunian Way style

Manchester's 10 Commandments

Ian Curtis, the late singer of Joy Division, may have been born and raised in Macclesfield, but he's still the cover star of my new Manchester's 10 Commandments poster.

Why? Because Curtis, along with the other band members who went on to form New Order after the singer's death, came to symbolise the renaissance and spirit of the new Manchester. The band and its label, Factory, spawned the Hacienda, which became the coolest club in the world and made Manchester one of the coolest cities in the world.

In my mind it still is - I still marvel at the architecture and luxuriate in the special attitude of the city's people - and my 10 Commandments hopefully reflects that love, albeit with a healthy dose of humour so we don't get too saccharine about this.

Below are the words, but they work best with the image. The whole package is now available on my website, www.statementartworks.com, and at markets around the regions, including Knutsford, Altrincham, Wilmslow, Northern Quarter, West Didsbury and Macclesfield.

MANCHESTER 10 COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt have no rock gods before Ian Curtis and the rest of Joy Division/New Order, Morrissey and Marr, John Squire, Guy Garvey and Noel Gallagher. Anyone found worshipping Chris Martin from Coldplay should be taken to a doctor straightaway.

Thou shalt not make false idols out of anyone who has played football for Liverpool, Chelsea or Leeds United (with the exception of Eric Cantona), or any of the local wannabes who have sung in a boyband.

Thou shalt not take the names of Maxine Peake, Christopher Eccleston, Steve Coogan, Tony Wilson, Alan Turing, Emily Pankhurst or Anthony Burgess in vain.

Remember the last day of the football season, when either United or City or both will have some new silverware in the trophy cabinet.

Honour thy father and thy mother, especially if they have taken you into Piccadilly Records from an early age, introduced you to any of the beers from the Marble brewery or bought you tapas at El Rincon de Rafa.

Thou shalt not play Meat is Murder by the Smiths too often, as good though he is, Morrissey can be a bit of a veggie bore at times. And anyway, Strangeways Here We Come is better.

Thou shalt not commit the adulteration of any of the beers in the Castle, Britons Protection, Peveril of the Peak or City Arms pubs.

Thou shalt not steal any of the clothes or goods from Afflecks Palace as it works on very tight profit margins and if it goes all we will be left with is high street chains.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. OK, go on then if they are on a two-year secondment from Cambridge with Astra Zenica and the only places they ever go to are Wilmslow and Prestbury.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, especially if she prefers the Trafford Centre to Manchester for shopping or ‘just doesn’t get’ Alan Partridge; or thy neighbour’s house, if it’s packed with pretentious artefacts picked up in Peru or Myanmar (what’s wrong with Debenhams on Market Street?); or thy neighbour’s ox (and the bloody chickens and guinea pigs too).